What your car REALLY says about you.

Posted by: Lauren Feb 16, 2014

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We judge each other by the cars we drive. We’re not saying it’s right, we’re just saying it’s true: if you drive a Bentley, people are going to assume you’re a millionaire, and if you drive a rusted out Ford Festiva with no stereo and a dragging muffler, people are going to assume you wash dishes at Olive Garden.

Below, we break down four common car types by giving some examples and telling you what your car really says about you. Fair warning: it may not be what you think.

1) Big ol’ SUV - Hummer, Cadillac Escalade, Lincoln Navigator

Why you bought it:
You stepped onto the lot to pick up a party bus - DVDs in every headrest, bowel-shaking surround sound, and seats a full four feet off the ground. Other people shake their heads in disgust at your EPA-rated single-digit MPG, but only because they’re jealous. F’ the haters.

What others really think:
That gas hog of yours is a disgusting throwback to the era of 1990s excess. Get with the program, douchenozzle: Clinton’s not president, and gas-guzzling land yachts aren’t cool.

2) Tiny little gas sipper - Smart Car, Prius, Scion iQ

Why you bought it:
You’re thinking globally and acting locally. Go green! This car shows ladies that you are a responsible, caring guy who takes in rescue animals and buys expensive fair-trade coffees. You didn’t say anything about your vinyl collection of 1960s folk rock, but somehow, you don’t have to.

What others really think:
You are a pompous, boring ass lacking both testosterone and a real sense of taste. Your hipster-y quest for authenticity is pretentious and flaccid, and your ASPCA bumper sticker only serves to depress other drivers when they think of those Sarah McLachlan commercials.

3) Sports car - Lamborghini, Ferrari, Maserati

Why you bought it:
You have a small penis.

What others really think:
You have a tiny penis.

4) Novelty car - Throwback conversion van, low rider, donk

Why you bought it:
Whether to express solidarity with the vatos and cholos in your neighborhood, or to embrace the quirkiness of driving around in a 1982 conversion van painted up like the Mystery Machine, you enjoy expressing yourself with your offbeat and unusual automobile.

What others really think:
The first time others see your car, they’re impressed. The second and subsequent times, they realize that you’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on a stupid sight gag.

5) Luxury Sedan - Cadillac ATS, Lincoln town Car, Audi A4

Why you bought it:
You saw it and thought “that’s a nice car.”

What others really think:
That’s a nice car. Sizeable but not conspicuous, stylish but not ostentatious, and powerful without being obnoxious, the luxury sedan is a man’s ride. This sort of car balances aesthetic, performance, and luxury in such a way that can best be described as elegant, and elegance speaks for itself.

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Lauren

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