Everybody wants to look like they know what they are doing. At your job, you’d rather screw up that spreadsheet, risking termination, than ask your coworker for the correct formula. On vacation, you’d rather end up at the wrong resort than ask for directions. At the bar, you’d rather order a Miller Lite than sleep with a woman. Someday, you’re going to have to change. Why not now?
Ordering a drink like you know what you’re doing isn’t hard -- once you absorb these simple tips.
Beer – Light beers are fine to drink after being humiliated at your company’s softball game. But, even then, only one. If you want to drink like an adult with taste, order an IPA or an import (not a Heineken and rarely a Corona). Think Belgian, Czech or even Japanese. If your only options are Budweiser, Miller and Coors, you have awful taste in bars and should convert to Mormonism, so you never have to worry about drinking again.
Vodka – Absolut vodka is best for a mixed drink – not too expensive or tasty to waste with a mixer, but not as offensive as well vodka. If the name of the mixed drink sounds like the title of a romantic comedy, steer clear. If you’re getting a martini, try Kettle One, Belvedere or Grey Goose. The same goes for drinking vodka neat, on the rocks or with a twist.
Gin – Hendrick’s, Tanqueray and Beefeater are your gins of choice for neat, rocks, splash of soda and even gin and tonics. Most other gin drinks (beside martinis) are served adequately with well gin.
Whiskey, Bourbon and Scotch – The only times you should ever mix one of these spirits is for whiskey and gingers and Manhattans. There is a growing trend of specialty bourbon cocktails at higher-end establishments, and such beverages are all fair game. They garner you drinking credit the same way drinking a local brew would (not Iron City!). In all other cases, drink these dark boozes on the rocks or neat.
Now that you know how to drink, you’re going to have to learn how to have sex. But that’s a whole different post.