Ding-Dong, the Witch is Gone: Dos and Don’ts for Throwing a Divorce Party

Posted by: Griff Jul 20, 2014

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So the guy who has been your best friend since high school is divorcing the woman who became your worst enemy on the day she married your best friend?  Awesome!  Now you two are going to have all the time in the world to drink beer, watch football, pick up chicks at the bar – all that stuff you used to do before little Miss Buzzkill became MRS. Buzzkill.

We’re assuming your friend took her name – he seems like the type.

But here’s what you need to know about helping your friend transition into this new and exciting stage of his life: he might not be totally up for it yet. I know this sounds weird, but some guys get married actually thinking that it’s going to work out and last forever. These guys invest a lot of time and energy only to wind up getting their hearts ripped out, chopped up, force fed to them, shat out, and then blended into a lumpy smoothie of pain and rejection from which they must sip every day for the rest of their lives.

So you need to throw this poor bastard a party, and you need to throw it pronto. Here are four tips and techniques to get you started.

  1. No Girls Allowed.  We want to see your buddy score just as much as you do (and doubly so if you can get it on video and put it online), but it’s not quite time yet. Your friend is less likely to hook up than he is to break down and start sobbing because one of the strippers you hired has brown hair and…and…oh God…Margaret had brown hair *choke sob.*
     
  2. This is HIS Party… You’re trying to rekindle your friend’s passion for the single life, so try to find things that the ex used to keep him away from (scotch whiskey, cigars, having a penis), and let him indulge in all of them.
     
  3. …But It’s on You. Divorce is expensive – alimony and child support more so. Be a mensch and pick up the check.
     
  4. Zip your Lips. It’s going to be very, very tempting to badmouth the ex all night either by just blatantly talking smack or by burning her in effigy, but don’t. Your bros’ feelings are a hodge-podge of relief, regret, and pants-pissing terror in the face of a future alone. As far as you’re concerned, “she” does not exist.

The take away: party at your friend’s pace, not yours. If you and the rest of the guys want to get together and celebrate the sudden loss of 225 pounds of dead weight with a few dozen strippers, great, but do that on your own time if the divorcee isn’t in the mood. Follow our guidelines, and you’ll have your buddy back before you know it.

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Griff

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