When it comes to the beers Americans drink, there seem to be three sides to the coin: Domestic, Imported, and Craft. Let’s talk it out in the first (and probably only) ever…
Machovy Beer Breakdown
By “domestic beer,” we mean pale American pilsner and lager: it’s bubbly, it’s served ice cold, and despite what the snobs say, it will get you plenty drunk. It doesn’t have the full flavor of its European cousins, but then again it doesn’t intrude on a meal either.
The man who likes this sort of beer is either a blue-collar workin’ man who don’t take no guff, or an ironically bearded hipster living off a trust fund in Williamsburg. To the former, we take our hats off and thank you for keeping America running. To the latter, we want you to learn a new word: Backpfeifengesicht, which is German for “a face in need of a fist,” which you have. Speaking of Germany…
The wide variety of delectable imported beers reminds us that the world is not so big as it seems – from China to Chile, from Rome to Russia, everyone drinks beer. Thanks to high-speed global shipping technologies, all the beers of the world can be had for just a trip to the local grocery store. German koelsch, Irish stout, and Belgian Lambic await your discovery, and they say to the world: here is a man with refined taste who will not settle for the pale, bland pabulum of the American brewery!
However, choosing imported beer may mark you as a bit of a snob, and on top of that, beer doesn’t travel quite so well as the importers would have you believe. Stout, for example, only gets blander and bitterer the farther it’s taken from the brewery. If you like potent and flavorful beer, you’re probably better off buying local.
Once the province of eccentric domestic chemists and obsessed hobbyists, craft beer has become a multi-million dollar American industry – a fact that we are completely making up because we’re lazy. Your home town (or one nearby) likely has a fun little brew pub where you can find small-batch versions of all your favorite beers: IPA, Porter, Heffeweissen, you name it. These beers will usually be fresh and flavorful, and the pubs themselves are often patronized by creative tattooed literary biker types (both Harley and pedal), making for a good drunk night all around.
When you’re ordering beer, the only wrong thing to order is no beer at all. While we suggest you head down to your local microbrewery and savor the draught of the month, there’s no such thing as an unmanly beer so long as it doesn’t have fruit in its name.